All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
