can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
