The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
