goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
