I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
