Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
