You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
