i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
