She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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