You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my being single is dangerous.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
