Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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