This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
