2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
