If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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