apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We had sex on a dog bed..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
