Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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