I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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