My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
