I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
