sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I could fuck to npr.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
