my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
