yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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