I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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