she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
