I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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