I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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