Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
