Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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