I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
