Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
