well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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