dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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