I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's like iHOP with fire
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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