I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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