Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
