Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
