So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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