I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
