get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
