Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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