Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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