I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
