My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
