Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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