I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Randomize
