it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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