you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i already hear my dad disowning me
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
