Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
