you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
