Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
