I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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