I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
