God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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